That funny, awkward feeling

what kind of a guy makes me dream of him so often that it frustrates me?

the better the dream the worst i'll feel when i wake up. it's just plain irritating.
sometimes i feel like i'm running in circles.... after running for so long, i'll still return to the same ol' starting point. and it frustrates me when i know that he's always there.

bumping into someone responsible for my awkward past didn't help at all. she's like digging on my old wound. to think that we're not even friends now angers me more than ever. why did i even listen to her? my alter ego reminds me that i should blame myself. but what if the only means of consolation for me is to push it to others?

after all, no one likes to admit their mistakes. that i can say, i'm truly ironic. in hope of gaining acceptance and acknowledgement, i'll go around telling people it was my fault. to make people feel that i'm responsible enough to admit my mistakes and discredits. BUT, i can never say it to him myself. what matters anyway? it's already been so many years and he probably forgot all about it. maybe it's just me talking all these while. maybe. i think i'm thinking too much.

here's the deal, the answer to all my incessant speculations can be as easy as a phonecall or a message away. i can only wish that i've had greater courage. for now, i'll just continue to be haunted by those dreams. at least i can be happy in them.