5 years and still counting....
i'm so afraid that he'll see this yet i secretly wished he would. so what if i really wanted him back? what's done, is done.
"All these years i thought i've gradually grown out of the relationship but i was wrong. instead of him taking a back seat in my head, those memories have instead become clearer than ever.... you know, people always say you'll mature as you grow...yes, tt's what's happening to me, but it only makes me wonder if he is really that important a figure in my heart. it's like, even as i moved on, and have had my fair share of relationships after him.....i never felt that i was in love. honestly, from the depth of my senses.....there's just something missing which i cannot make out what. sometimes i can't help but think that i was trying so hard to fill in what's missing that i lose myself along the way.
And with every passing relationships, i felt tt i became worse than ever. in fact, i've let everyone of them down...cos ultimately, i knew i haven't let him go. of cos, tt's something i'll never have the courage to admit...i guess most of my close friends have guessed it. i simply can't find a better replacement (or maybe i don't want to)
then why end it in the first place? i know it sounds cliche but it's always when you lose someone then you learn to treasure him/her. the thing is, maybe if we were still together i would've taken him for granted. you wana know why i ended it....i'll tell you i don't know why either....i can actually delude myself to the fact that it was purely peer pressure but who am i going to fool? if only i had the chance to explain. and if only i was given the chance to.
All's too late. tt's not something hard for me to understand. which is why i understood the reason for him to hate me so much these few years... i don't know if he really hated me for what i did though. but if i were in his shoes, i would. i really wana know how he felt.....the sad thing is i didn't even get to talk to him. maybe circumstances just didn't allow tt to happen.
For now, i really want to say this: i don't know what love was and what it's like to be loved until i had him....the fact tt i didn't cherish him the way i should made me regret it deeply...but i want him to know tt that what i took away with me were great memories. no one but him makes me smile when i think abt the past. he's like part of who i am, always with me through my hard times, and when i accomplish something great, i'd like to share it with him....he's also part of the reason why i push myself hard in achieveing my goals---all these kept me going even as i walk alone now. i wana see him again someday, no matter what he'll feel towards me."
i know it'll be worth the wait...
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