i felt my heartbeat

*i felt my heartbeat

i could almost hear my heartbeat despite the noise around me. it's like i've shut myself out from the outside world just for that moment. then, it all came back to me....everyone started moving again...it's like my wings broke and i fell flat to the ground.

i've always been fascinated by the way my mind works, especially towards the 'evergreens' of human heart: the difference between 'like' and 'love'. when will one ever stop loving? or, how will one know it's love? for one, how do you even tell 'like' and 'love' a part?

like me, i believe many people out there whether in love or not, may be chary of dealing with those questions in depth. sure enough, i'm just one of those people who doesn't reflect about it even though time is always on my side these days.

when asked about this subject, my answer varies widely to different people, at different times. but a fact i could never run away from was the unmistakable overtone of anticipation which lies beneath every answer i gave. life's good being single, life's even better being attached isn't it?
you could also turn it the other way round. ultimately, the chasm between singles and non-singles will continue in decades.......10 yrs down the road, when i'm happily married with children, my definition of love and like may be a whole new different story...

what will you do when you see someone you like, or may love on the streets? he's just like the character who leapt out of the television. unlike the utter disappointment of discovering a hand clasped to his right one, you can only find 2 shopping bags hooked onto it. a pair of black framed glasses sitting comfortably on his sharp nose, a white adidas watch haging loosely on his left wrist and a black mizuno sling bag over his shoulders.......he's not just another shopper in the building, he stood out from the crowd the moment he came down from the escalator.

and dumb ol' me had my eyes glued to him like i saw my favourite korean star......he probably noticed me staring at him but i can't really be sure. for that moment, it suddenly occured to me that maybe he's just the kinda guy i'm looking for. cool. the thing is, he doesn't exactly have the 'singaporean guy' look. in fact to me, i thought he was outta this world.

this is probably the so-called cliche "love at first sight". though i do gawk at those volleyballies back in the A'div days and get all looney over their very minute gestures, i can tell it's a whole new different feeling from those. my heart raced and my palms turned cold. and i just couldn't take my eyes off him. am i deprived? cus after 4 years of break i can actually imagine cob webs growing in the valves of my heart. it's just so funny cus i sound like i'm a woman in my 80s.

to think that i'm such a genius, i actually relied on tv and those far-fetced korean dramas to fill that empty heart of mine...sad....i can't help being honest about it. but somehow that wasn't a pretty idea either......the more i indulge in those dreamy, overrated, unrealistic dramas, the higher my expectations became. and just when i thought i may become so spoilt in my taste for guys, i saw HIM! i'm closer, by just a little bit.........

now that i have the time to sit down and think, maybe it's just a pleasant surprise, nothing worth celebrating about....i have a lifetime to meet good lookers but not everyone equates love. it's just mere liking and nothing else. i like him, but i don't know if i can love him yet right?

there are billions and zillions of population in the entire world and you and i are just a speck of dust from the universe's point of view....isn't it amazing how two persons of different character, background and upbringing meet and eventually fall in love? that's the most amazing thing in the world in my perception.

my conclusion: i'm in this point of my life whereby there's nothing much in particular to fulfill and just to borrow a neat line from jane austen's persuasion, " had no one to love"... what a queer resemblance to Anne's character. eventually, the captain wentworth in my life will appear and everything will be history. Happily Ever After.

~the end~